Tuesday, May 30, 2006

can we afford to make mistake?

I spent the last month, thinking, about lots of things.. mama papa ku, bentar lagi bakal pensiun, and I can't stop this thought in my head, "Will I be able to take care of them, like they have been taking care of me since I was a child?" it's really confusing, and I felt really under pressured.. :(
and, maybe because of that reason, too, I'm starting to think a lot more, "Can I afford to make any mistake?" Since I was a kid, I used to choose my own way on handling things.. And, like every choice that a kid makes, it used to be wrong.. :P Fortunately, none of them were a big decision, and it didn't really affect my life.. Well, now, being the eldest child, I had a feeling that people are really counting on me, to graduate soon, to work, to help the family.. And so, I thought more, "What if I fail?" What if I choose a bad decision, and I'm ruining my own life (and my family, of course)..? God, all that questions are running in my head, and I'm really tired of it..
When I was a kid, when making a decision, I used to think, "What do I want?" and now, I think, "What do people expect me to do?" And, being that way, when seeing people my age (or even older), do the thing they want, I feel a 'little bit' of anger.. And it's very stupid, because I can't control other people lives, and even if I can, it's not very appropriate, right? I don't want people to judge me as 'sok tahu', 'sok dewasa', atau 'sok-sok lainnya'.. Well, intinya, I don't want to ruin my life, just like I don't want to see anyone ruin their lifes.
My parents take care of me since I was a kid, and after now I'm an adult, I would have to do the same to them. And if I kept making choices to get what I want, I will ruin my life and theirs.. Do I make any sense? Am I over-reacting? Or this is what people should do when they've become adults? Will I afford to choose what I want to do? Or that chances have passed right after I become an adult?